The Waiting Game

There is none of the energy and excitement of starting the journey. There is none of the satisfaction of finishing the race. It is just a waiting game. I lie in the midst of a torturous hiatus. It's not the eye of the storm nor the calm before it. There's pressure, it's uncomfortable. Like many of my friends I am just waiting; for my A-levels, for university decisions, and for my next steps to become clear. 

I'm trying to keep my cool and sidestep any drama but, I'm not going to lie, it's tough.

We are all anxious in anticipation of our final exams, now just months away. I've completed my A-level mocks - an unsavoury taste of what is to come and the reason I couldn't attend or cover this season of London Fashion Week. While I admit to feeling invigorated by starting the revision process, which hopefully will build confidence about making it through, it's still a matter of... waiting. Not only for the exams but for university decisions.  

Part of my own uncertainty is one of geography - whether I stay in London or move to another city, or move to the United States. I have a favourite option but I'm not going to reveal it, because even as someone who prides herself on being rational, I don't want to jinx it. What is most excruciating is that all of this is now out of my control. At this point there is literally nothing I can do except... wait. 

We're all processing where we are, where we want to go, what is the right path for us. There are scores of different scenarios but until the results and the offers are in I can't focus on any of them. It's exciting and scary. Those of us in the same situation can share our anxiety and be there for one another but there is little we can do other than provide moral support. I am trying to balance positive thinking with managing expectations. Like I said, it's out of our control now. 

One thing is certain - I will be studying English. My current English class will laugh at me for putting this in but perhaps I should have faith in Fortuna, the Greek Goddess who controls the Wheel of Fortune. In a tragedy, she is responsible for the tragic hero's reversal of fortune - she turns her wheel and everything changes. Fortuna was a concept also used widely in Medieval literature, so I feel it's apt to bring it into this piece. Nowadays, we'd probably call it fate. What will fate decide?

I like to think of myself as someone who will drive their own future. I am determined, and I strongly believe in the power people have to make things happen if they are committed, passionate and driven. So when I am in a situation where Fortuna (or university admissions officers) have the power to decide my fate, I'm not embarrassed to say it's unsettling.

I don't have a magic formula for making it okay for me, or my friends, who are similarly waiting decisions now outside their control. All we can do is have faith in ourselves and remember that this is a long game. Maybe fate will take us down a path we'd previously not considered but we will ultimately find fulfilling. We just have to get through this period, embrace the decisions that are made and move ahead with some confidence that Fortuna will be kind. 

For now, I just.. wait. 



  1. I resonate with everything in this post, my life right now is just a series of anticipation and it is killing me. I'm waiting on one more uni to get back to me (conveniently the one I want to go to the most...just my luck) and I'm fed up of waiting- if I don't get an offer from said uni, I don't know what I'll do next which is even more confusing and anxiety inducing. I have so many deadlines to get through and then as you mentioned, the actual exams that all of this is for. It feels like time is going slowly but also fleeting at the same time which is so unnerving. I keep thinking of the end goal of a summer of relaxation and exploring but it's like something flashes in my mind like "okay that's nice and all but remember how much you've got to get through." I guess we're both in this together, year 13 is a strange and exasperating time but it gives me some reassurance that I'm not the only one that feels this way. We can get through this!

    Dalal //

  2. Oh wow, I loved reading this post. Moving to the US would be so exciting but so scary - good luck with the next few months!

  3. I wish you the best of luck with your future! I'm sure you will do well in your exams!
    I'm in year 12 so I'm starting to think about universities too now.
    Aleeha xXx

  4. This is definitely the most excruciating time, exams feel too far away to be real but close enough to know they are there–whilst it isn't really much consolation, once the deadlines creep closer, you'll have little brain space to even process the uncertainty. Its scary not knowing what is coming, but trust that it will be the right thing. English sounds amazing, such a fab subject and wherever you end up, it'll be amazing!!!

  5. Wishing you all the best for your exams! I felt like time was just slipping through my fingers. You'll be fine though and it'll be over before you know it! Excited to hear about your uni endeavours too; going abroad would be amazingg!! xo

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  7. This is a lovely post. Cautiously optimistic. I hope that your exams went well and that you are feeling more relaxed. The transition to college is scary for almost everyone because change in general is scary. However, it will be very exciting to meet new people and have new experiences. I hope that fate is kind to you and you settle on a university where you feel comfortable.