Showing posts with label uncertainty. Show all posts

An Ode to New York City (And The Future)

I visited New York in April of last year with the primary reason of visiting East Coast colleges. I fell in love with one of them, and for the next 10 months or so, put everything I had into being offered a place. 

I didn't get in.  

 I hinted at turbulent times in some of my blog posts, including The Waiting Game and Riding the Wave but I was too devastated to write about my rejection. I don't want to go into it even now, despite having several months of processing. As someone who defines herself by high ambitions and determination, it was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I understand that in the grand scheme of things, I'm incredibly lucky that this is my biggest problem. There are many people who face much more serious issues on a daily basis. But as one of my dear friends often reminds me, the hardest thing you're dealing with in your world is still the hardest thing for you. It was my hardest thing and it hurt. A lot. 

 Four months later, I'm still not entirely over it but things are looking up. 

 I have two great universities in the UK, either of which, results permitting, will be a great next step for me. They have outstanding reputations and I know they'll set me up for life. And importantly, my number one aspiration - of ultimately living and working in New York City - remains as strong as ever. I just need to find another path to get there.

I returned to New York a couple of weeks ago. The trip was a gift from my father to demonstrate to me that New York is still there. New York remains my goal and an attainable one. And my trip proved that and exceeded all of my expectations. 


I talk a lot about my love for the city. I'll go on with starry eyes about its energy, its passion, its drive; how each characteristic aligns with who I am and want to be. But during this most recent trip, I experienced more 'New York magic' than ever before. 

One of my favourite artists today is Chloe Wise. I went to the Metropolitan Museum of art to see the Obsession exhibit which showed Klimt, Shiele and Picasso - whose work I have studied and admired - and who did I run into? Chloe Wise. I introduced myself and she was very gracious. It was charming to speak with her. What are the chances of meeting one of your favourite artists while looking at the exhibition of another group of your favourite artists?

Earlier this year I sought advice from a New York based writer/blogger who wrote back a considered and enormously helpful view of the world. I was invited to a fashion launch in New York and got to meet her face-to-face. It was wonderful and she was warm and friendly and it was great to be able to personally thank her. She introduced me to another girl the event who just happened to run the musical theatre society at the English university I am likely to attend. Once more, what are the chances?


I met many people with amazing stories, from the Harvard boy who lived uptown and was in the first ever graduating class in his high school to a waiter who lived through the Taliban in Afghanistan and came to the US via Iran and Russia.

 I was walking through Times Square with my brother who was only in in town for 36 hours at midday. Fighting through the throngs of tourists, he bumped into one of his friends from university who he is performing with at Edinburgh Fringe in a couple of weeks. Jack probably only knew one person in the city of eight million people and they ran into each other in the busiest part of the city, at the busiest time of day. What are the chances?

 I stayed in Soho and just wandering the streets downtown I recognised all sorts of people from theatre, film, Instagram. Every corner was a scene from a movie.

I arrived at JFK for my flight back to London feeling slightly down as though my magic was about to run out. As I approached the check-in desk, I glanced up and standing in front of me was one of my favourite actresses of all time. She looked at me and gave me a warm smile. I was immediately transported to the images of her in the teen drama I worshipped and grew up with. I smiled back. A small polite sign of recognition and another little piece of New York magic.

Read more »
Posted by at 3 comments
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Five Years of Lexi Likes

Lexi Likes is now five years old.

That’s five years of chronicling the evolution of me as a writer and me as a person. It's something in which I take great pride. I have spent almost a third of my existence writing Lexi Likes, with content ranging from my sweet fashion musings as a peppy thirteen year old to the hopefully more considered views on life and the challenges it poses for a young woman in this complex age.

I’m now at a crossroads. Like many of my peers, I’m transitioning from the relatively cosseted world of school to.…..well, I’m not quite sure. My future remains uncertain, as does everyone's with the shadow of results day hanging over Summer.

It’s has been long few months. Actually, it's been a long year. Upper Sixth, the final year of school in the UK, was tough. It's hard to anticipate until you are in it. Everyone seems to recall the agony of their final school year but it's not something you fully understand until you're doing it yourself. The exhaustion of the university application process, the lead up to A-levels plus the exams themselves, all mixed in with the antics that come with being young and trying to work out exactly where in this world you want to be.

Sound angsty? It was.


I'd like to think I held myself together pretty well but I'm also not afraid to admit that I got hit by a few curve balls. While this was the year I strengthened my most valuable friendships and had many good times, it's also probably been the hardest year of my life. The simple yet deeply disorientating lesson is that not everything in life goes to plan. I've learnt I do not respond well to the surrendering of control. I've learnt what it feels like to want something with all of your heart and not get it. I’ve learnt to deal with burning disappointment. I’ve learnt that the measure of a person is how they move forward after taking a big hit. I've learnt that A-levels are bloody hard. I've learnt many things and, tough as some of those lessons have been, I am probably stronger for it.


During this year, the last six months in particular, my focus shifted to my studies. My blog took a backseat and the content I produced concentrated on my thoughts during this turbulent time. While it was an accidental product of the shift in my lifestyle, I'm actually proud of some of the pieces that came out of it.

Despite all the trials and tribulations of this last year and the disappointments that have come with it, one thing I know is that I feel confident calling myself a writer. In the ever-changing digital age, you can waste a lot of time trying to label your digital identity - blogger, writer, influencer, journalist. But storytelling, and writing more specifically, is what I do. When the travelling stopped; the party invitations were declined; when the theatre trips and art exhibitions were replaced by study and revision; when the personal style consisted of a rotation of three pairs of trackies and old T-shirts; writing was still there. And regardless of career or future, it always will be.


Here are some highlights of the last five years.


1. My first post. Short but sweet.


2. Outside a show at my first season of London Fashion Week


3. My first commission, where I designed an outfit for a doll company


4. Getting featured in Teen Vogue


5. A double page spread in a French magazine about my life in London as a blogger



6. Speaking to the marketing director of Lad Bible as a CNN intern at a media conference



7. Listed in The Tab's '25 Most Successful Fashion Bloggers Under 25'



..to name a few.


 I also want to thank you. Many of you have been here since the beginning, and may remember some of those moments. It's crazy to think I've been blogging for five years but what's even wilder is realising how many of you have been along for the ride. As my life moves into a new phase, I'm actively considering where to take this blog. As I evolve as a writer, a storyteller, so will the content of Lexi Likes. I hope that you will stay with me. 


I’m only just getting started.
-LEXI
Posted by at 4 comments
Labels: , , , , , , ,

Riding the Wave

Many of my blog posts over the last two years have been about the uncertainty of my future. I've written about how it's frightening and exciting in equal measure to not know what is next. I've reflected on the past while waiting for the future path to become clear. All of this was written in the knowledge - in the hope - that by the beginning of April, I would know what I'm doing next. 

Plot twist - I don't.

Perhaps naively, I assumed the vast majority of people would apply to university, end up with the school they wanted, get the grades and start in September. I assumed for most people, me included, much of the uncertainty would be over by now. It clearly happens for some people but what I’ve learned is that they are the very fortunate minority. 

For most people, it is not linear. There are setbacks, rejections, choices to be made. Gap years are increasingly common - not always a vehicle for travel but one for reapplying and figuring things out. People 'settle' for their second or third or fourth choices and end up loving it. Some go to their dream school hate it. There are so many variables out of our control that predictions are fraught with risk. But the uncertainty is part of the process.  

I'm also starting to realise that this is what the rest of life is going to be like. We've been spoilt by the linear security of school, always knowing what is ahead of us. Life isn't like that. Stepping out of that rigid structure feels like stepping into a void. 

Over the past few months, I've been dealt a few unexpected cards. I had the fantasy of my future mapped out in minute detail. But the cards I’ve drawn means I need to rethink. Dealing with rejection, and the closing of a door - even if it is just temporarily - has been harder than I could have imagined. I thought that university decisions, whether the verdict was good or bad, would bring clarity. At least I would know all of my options. At least I would be able to make a choice based on reality instead of hypothetical scenarios. Once again, I was wrong. Having heard back from all my universities, I'm actually faced with different choices and I remain confused. 

So, how do the unlucky majority deal with the process of uncertainty? As we watch our peers cruise through to their top choices, barely breaking a sweat, how do we deal with not knowing? 



We ride the wave. 

Read more »
Posted by at 1 comment
Labels: , , , , , , , ,

The Waiting Game

There is none of the energy and excitement of starting the journey. There is none of the satisfaction of finishing the race. It is just a waiting game. I lie in the midst of a torturous hiatus. It's not the eye of the storm nor the calm before it. There's pressure, it's uncomfortable. Like many of my friends I am just waiting; for my A-levels, for university decisions, and for my next steps to become clear. 

 I'm trying to keep my cool and sidestep any drama but, I'm not going to lie, it's tough.

 We are all anxious in anticipation of our final exams, now just months away. I've completed my A-level mocks - an unsavoury taste of what is to come and the reason I couldn't attend or cover this season of London Fashion Week. While I admit to feeling invigorated by starting the revision process, which hopefully will build confidence about making it through, it's still a matter of... waiting. Not only for the exams but for university decisions.  

Part of my own uncertainty is one of geography - whether I stay in London or move to another city, or move to the United States. I have a favourite option but I'm not going to reveal it, because even as someone who prides herself on being rational, I don't want to jinx it. What is most excruciating is that all of this is now out of my control. At this point there is literally nothing I can do except... wait. 


We're all processing where we are, where we want to go, what is the right path for us. There are scores of different scenarios but until the results and the offers are in I can't focus on any of them. It's exciting and scary. Those of us in the same situation can share our anxiety and be there for one another but there is little we can do other than provide moral support. I am trying to balance positive thinking with managing expectations. Like I said, it's out of our control now. 

One thing is certain - I will be studying English. My current English class will laugh at me for putting this in but perhaps I should have faith in Fortuna, the Greek Goddess who controls the Wheel of Fortune. In a tragedy, she is responsible for the tragic hero's reversal of fortune - she turns her wheel and everything changes. Fortuna was a concept also used widely in Medieval literature, so I feel it's apt to bring it into this piece. Nowadays, we'd probably call it fate. What will fate decide?

 I like to think of myself as someone who will drive their own future. I am determined, and I strongly believe in the power people have to make things happen if they are committed, passionate and driven. So when I am in a situation where Fortuna (or university admissions officers) have the power to decide my fate, I'm not embarrassed to say it's unsettling.

I don't have a magic formula for making it okay for me, or my friends, who are similarly waiting decisions now outside their control. All we can do is have faith in ourselves and remember that this is a long game. Maybe fate will take us down a path we'd previously not considered but we will ultimately find fulfilling. We just have to get through this period, embrace the decisions that are made and move ahead with some confidence that Fortuna will be kind. 

Read more »
Posted by at 7 comments
Labels: , , , , , ,
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)